My Dad Was Giving Me Advice on Boys...

And then,

It suddenly clicked.

That boy had sought after me so long,

 there was no way he was letting go so easily. 

Purposely going out of his way to befriend my friends,

 and even go so far as to date them, 

was his way of ensuring he still kept me hanging on. 

And now I'm laughing, 

because there is no way in hell I will ever let him in again. 

Neither friend nor lover, that ship has sailed.

He is welcome to act in desperation on the shore

 but turning around would only make me repeat my mistakes.

And that is something I just don't do.

I hope he is happy.

He made the decision to treat me like shit on the bottom of his shoe and step on me all the time.

He made the decision not to try to resolve our problems but rather ignore them and me.

He made the decision to walk away and not fight for neither relationship nor friendship.

He made the decision never to pick up the phone and try to communicate with me.

He made the decision to turn my good friends against me with lies.

He made all of the decisions when it came to us.

The fault belongs to him; it is not mine,

And I hope the guilt eats him alive.

~E J Royson

PS-- Do you like how I made it look kinda like a ship sailing away from the screen? Hehe

S is for Secret?

I saw him first as I walked across the room. It took a moment for him to register that I was walking in his direction. He was waiting in line for something; I didn't know what. He smiled at me, and my heart skipped a beat. I banished the first thought that came to my head and replaced it with "No, it's wrong. He is in a relationship." But the way he smiled at me...

Mischief bounced through the blue in his eyes as he looked up from under his hair. It was a secret smile, meant for only me to see. It was as if we were hiding something, but was there something to hide? I could never tell with him. Sometimes it seemed like nothing, but the sometimes it seemed like something. Maybe I just wanted it to be something, but I would never do anything to jeopardize the awkwardly lovely could-be relationship we have now.

I smiled back, and turned to walk up the stairs to the dining hall, following my friends. I wanted to look back, but I didn't. I should have, but it perhaps would have told him too much, and after everything that had happened, a large part of me wanted to keep everyone an arm's length away. Only a small part of me wished to have someone to care for again. It was the one very small part not left broken or bruised by the one who came before. Sure, he spared my body physical pain, but the war he waged against my mind, my heart, and my soul was so greatly destructive to me as a moral being.

Cynicism riddles my tongue and spite my mind in a never ending spiral of hopelessness and despair. But his smile... It was the one thing that could silence it all. He didn't know the extent of the damage hidden behind a powdery coating of smiles and facades. I knew he wouldn't think twice if he knew the full extent of my bitterness. So I try to bite my tongue and wear the smile I know he would want me to wear. I will see him tomorrow, and I will smile. Maybe I will look back at him... maybe.

~E J Royson

National Sibling Day

I don't know who decided to make today a holiday. Why do we need a day to show our siblings we appreciate them? Oh, right, because every other day out the year we treat them like crap. Today is just a day where siblings post family pictures on Facebook and pretend that they like each other. Tomorrow they will return to screaming, bickering and bad mouthing each other behind backs.

I can't count high enough the amount of times I have heard someone say they hate their siblings. I have been living without mine for five years because they won't have me. I would be grateful for one hour with my brother and sister. I would give anything to see them again. We shouldn't need a damn holiday to appreciate our family, but it seems in our culture, we need excuses to appreciate what we have.

Someone once asked me what I think our civilization will stand for. I think we stand for nothing. We don't even stand for our families except on holidays, which we use as an excuse. We are a civilization of excuses. And that sickens me. We only appreciate what we have when it's gone. We only appreciate things we covet and once we have them, they mean nothing.

What kind of world are we bringing our children into by teaching them not to appreciate what they have? Especially when it comes to family. I will hate to see what will become of family and the value of family in the future. If we need a holiday in order to value our siblings, I pity the future generations who won't know what it means to have a family, or to be loyal, or to be appreciative. I pity the historians who will look upon our civilization with disdain. I pity the siblings who need a holiday to feel as if they have a bond with their kin. Above all, I pity myself for once falling victim to not appreciating my siblings, but when the day comes that they will have me back, I will never under appreciate them again.

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

She stood for the weaker ones when they cried out.
She took them in her arms and removed their doubt.

Her back to the storm would save those she knew,
taking their beatings until she was beaten black and blue.
With lesions and scars embellishing her skin,
she is constantly reminded of where she has been.

Those she has protected are now doing fine,
but now she is hurting and they leave her behind.
It's never enough that she was always there,
and would go miles out of her way to show how she cared.

One said he was going insane and she took to the road
Six hours later, she was there lightening his load.
Now he sides against her, forgets her existence,
and won't come to her aid upon her asking for assistance.

Another friend, broken-hearted, needed to laugh
but once she healed his pain, he broke her in half.
He chased after those she loved and convinced them her evil
Now with no one to turn to, her life is in upheaval.

One couldn't take the pressure of school and love,
so she held her friend's hand and was neglected of.
When a fight came and then a side had to be picked,
It ended in hate and from her apartment she was kicked.

One friend, being sexually harassed, couldn't be rid of a guy
so she stood up for her friend but was turned a blind eye
Being shrieked at and hated for things out of her control,
her friend abandoned her and shattered her soul.

Over and over she protected those she cared for,
and over and over it all ended at a closed door.
Now bleeding and shattered, no self respect or worth,
no one stands to protect her, she's no one to call forth.

Still holding the weak ones so they are not pain's prisoner
She is hesitant to care for everyone else betrayed her.
Tired of standing for the weaker ones when they cry out
for when they regain strength, it is always her they discount.

She says over again to herself to just hold on one more day
but with everyone else's pain added to her own, she is fading away.

~E J Royson

Be Like Water

Thomas Sayers Ellis (a fantastic poet) visited campus the other day and while a lot of what he said was trippy awesome shit, the one thing that stuck with me was when he quoted Bruce Lee and said, "Be like water". Of course water has always been the element I identify with most, despite how all astrology crap says I should identify with fire. I always associate fire as heart strong, earth as stubborn, air as pensive and water as a balance. And yeah, I've made a lot of impulsive heart strong decisions in my time, like choosing to be in a relationship I knew would be bad for me, and I've made a lot of head strong decisions, like choosing to forgo part of my family for the sake of my mental health. (Well I was kicked out, but when asked to come back I said no.)

Anyway, I always seem to find myself balanced between head and heart. But that wasn't what Ellis meant when he said "Be like water". He explained to us that water takes the shape of whatever form or container it is put in. Water adapts and takes the path of least resistance. This was all in context of asking how Ellis feels about free verse poetry, but it made a lot of sense to me, not only in just writing popular forms of poetry. To be successful, you have to adapt, move on, and take the path of least resistance. Sure there will be times where you may have to trek uphill, but remember, water is not always peaceful and calm. When enraged and provoked, water can be just deadly as fire, and if it wants to overcome an obstacle, it will.

I've adapted to a lot and I don't push uphill unless the reward is truly worth it. Put me in any situation, and I can make it work. So far, I've always come out on top, and that is why water is such a beautiful element. Unlike fire, it doesn't have to be controlled to be successful. I would just advise to not provoke it. I've been recently stuck in a little tiny container, told to adapt and I am trying, but I've been provoked again and again since then by the same person who put me there. I've been holding back the floodgates but there is a storm brewing. Unless he stops trying to destroy my relationships out of self pity and spite, it is likely the wave from hell is going to brought down on his ass. I think he underestimates the respect my friends have for me, my intelligence and ability to see through his facade to his ugly inside. So his inability to see me as an equal instead of as his inferior may just be his downfall. But we shall see.

~E J Royson

Fight or Flight

This ignoring thing I could do but when I stepped on the shuttle and smelled some stranger was wearing his cologne, it was all I could do not to burst into tears. It's stupid things that remind me of the good times and then I am forced to remember the awful reasons as to why we are where we are today. I loathe who he has become but I can't deny how I felt for who he was. I want who he was back but I know there is no way to undo everything that has happened and how it has changed us.

I know I pretend I haven't changed. I try to pretend that I'm still stubborn but strong. But I know I'm breaking and far more fragile than I was before any of this. He tried to get me to change. He tried to get me to stop running from my problems. I have run my entire life and it has left me exceedingly lonely. So I tried to listen to him and I fought for what I thought we had, but instead he proved to me his hypocrisy by how willing he was to run at the first sign of trouble. I understand now that running doesn't save you, it masks the problems and it hurts whomever you're running from.  Sometimes the damage is irreversible. Sometimes that damage cuts more deeply than you could imagine. And sometimes the dust cloud you leave in your wake, chokes those you leave behind but you won't turn around to see them fall helplessly to the ground. And you'll never know if someone ever comes and helps them back up. But if you run from your problems, you don't deserve that piece of mind. You don't deserve to know whether the ones that you love are either being cared for or left for dead. You didn't fight for them.

I understand now that running is selfish because in "saving" yourself, you're hurting others behind you. So maybe I have changed. Maybe he did get through to me even though his hypocrisy says he won't learn the same lesson. I can't run anymore. Not in good conscience anyway. But I'm done fighting for him. He has done nothing to deserve this effort. I hope he enjoys his guilt and the false pretense he has set before him. I hope he enjoys the "easy" way out. The road to hell is short and straight. The road to heaven is arduous, but the spoils are worth the fight.

~E J Royson

Not All Metals Are As Strong As Iron

Everyone thinks I'm strong or tough, and to a degree, they're right. I do a very good job of pretending that nothing can hurt me because sometimes I pretend that if others believe that I'm strong, maybe somehow it will become true. I hate being as fragile as I am and it seems every time I can muster the littlest bit of resilience, something comes along to shatter it.

The drawback to pretending to be strong when I'm not, is that people think I can take more. I don't know how to dispel this notion because it seems obvious. If you pretend nothing can hurt you, people are going to take their frustrations out on you instead of someone who is weaker. (This is the real world. We can't pretend that no one takes their issues out on other people.) So I get stuck with everyone lashing out at me and can't say anything about it.

Another drawback is when I try to speak out that I'm struggling--no one believes me. They think I'm exaggerating my situation or trying to guilt them into doing something. I'm just asking for help. I don't admit that I need it often because I hate feeling weak but even when I do, people deny or dismiss it. "Don't exaggerate, you don't have it that bad," they say, "Or you're just trying to guilt me again." So I put up the walls again and pretend to be strong because no one wants to support me. No one cares that their actions affect me and no one offers me a hand when I'm sinking.

I'm tired of taking low blows from friends and family. I'm tired of having friends and family turn their back. I'm tired of not knowing who I can trust not to take advantage of me when I'm weak. I'm tired of feeling like I need to just run and start over somewhere because it's as if everyone in my life is only piling on more pain that I need to get over. Just when I think I'm over one thing, two more pop up. And then someone reminds me why I had such trouble getting over the first thing to begin with and I'm back struggling with that. I'm exhausted (and don't even get me started on barely having slept in a month).

They say to never let a relationship be the only thing that defines you. But that's what I need right now. Romantic or not, I need someone I can trust, someone who will support me, someone that won't push me back down, someone who will help me get ahead of this ever downward spiral. And no, going to therapy is not the same thing. And while long distances relationships can be okay, again, it's not working. I'd turn to my family, if it weren't just as shattered and broken as I am. I've been on my own at this for nearly eight years now, it's getting old and I can't do it alone.