S is for Secret?

I saw him first as I walked across the room. It took a moment for him to register that I was walking in his direction. He was waiting in line for something; I didn't know what. He smiled at me, and my heart skipped a beat. I banished the first thought that came to my head and replaced it with "No, it's wrong. He is in a relationship." But the way he smiled at me...

Mischief bounced through the blue in his eyes as he looked up from under his hair. It was a secret smile, meant for only me to see. It was as if we were hiding something, but was there something to hide? I could never tell with him. Sometimes it seemed like nothing, but the sometimes it seemed like something. Maybe I just wanted it to be something, but I would never do anything to jeopardize the awkwardly lovely could-be relationship we have now.

I smiled back, and turned to walk up the stairs to the dining hall, following my friends. I wanted to look back, but I didn't. I should have, but it perhaps would have told him too much, and after everything that had happened, a large part of me wanted to keep everyone an arm's length away. Only a small part of me wished to have someone to care for again. It was the one very small part not left broken or bruised by the one who came before. Sure, he spared my body physical pain, but the war he waged against my mind, my heart, and my soul was so greatly destructive to me as a moral being.

Cynicism riddles my tongue and spite my mind in a never ending spiral of hopelessness and despair. But his smile... It was the one thing that could silence it all. He didn't know the extent of the damage hidden behind a powdery coating of smiles and facades. I knew he wouldn't think twice if he knew the full extent of my bitterness. So I try to bite my tongue and wear the smile I know he would want me to wear. I will see him tomorrow, and I will smile. Maybe I will look back at him... maybe.

~E J Royson