In Case Anyone Asks:

                              A confession has to be part of your new life. ~Ludwig Wittgenstein 

No, I'm not alright. I am no form of "okay". And there is not much left to do to make it right.

I have spent the last five years suffering from depression. I think it is safe to say, I am very good at hiding it. I have cut myself and have come very close to having an eating disorder. I have never been medicated and I will say whatever I have to so that I can get out of therapy.

I have spent the last three years lying about who I am and I think somewhere along that road I forgot who I actually am. And now I have no where left to turn.

When my parents divorced, I was also undergoing a lot of social changes through high school. When my mom decided to starve and abuse me, then kick me out onto the snowy front step to wait and freeze while my father came to pick me up, I couldn't handle it. I "broke my wings" so to speak. Court appointed therapists and being forced to go see them have tainted what I think of our justice system as well as the psychologists who say they want to help. They did nothing to help my psyche and only helped my mother have more opportunities to abuse me. When DYFS finally got involved, only then did my pain with my mother begin to cease.

Living with my dad and step mom wasn't bad, they just didn't know how to help me. Then, because I was tired of hearing "I'm so sorry about what you're going through," I began to pretend I was fine. I lied. I lied and said I was happy. I lied and said it stopped hurting so much. I lied so that no one would begin to wonder whether something should be done about that sad, sad girl in the corner.

Then I changed schools. Stepping into one of the most notoriously caddy high schools in South Jersey at the beginning of Junior year, I was forced into an environment where everyone had grown up together, outsiders were frowned upon and it was okay to stab others in the back. Did I want to do this? No, but my mother had made that choice for me when she left me on the front porch.

The people at this school seemed fake to me. I saw their smiles and listened to their stories about how much fun they had partying and realized, the only way to fit in within the walls of this hell hole was to be fake. So I began to pretend.

It was the acting chance of a lifetime. For two years, I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I went from a quiet, shy, brilliant minded, witty and kind girl to a sarcastic, crass, unfeeling bitch. And somehow, I was able to make friends. It never occurred to me what this would do to me in the long term. I never thought I would lose myself so easily. But I did.

The friends I made in high school, I lost. True to their fake environment, they were fake friends. Once I went to college, I lost contact with most of them. Friends from my younger years and very few from high school I still consider friends but the majority are lost. When I did go to college, my theatrical act followed me. And once again, I made friends.

Somewhere deep inside, my morals were securely intact and I did not go making friends with the wrong sort, or maybe I did, but that's yet to be officially proven. I did not enjoy the company of party-goers, I did not enjoy the company of druggies, I did not enjoy the company of those who did not go to college to learn. The friends I did make were, for lack of a better word, nerds. They were quiet, they were fun and they knew what it was like to be an outcast. We made a good group. But as my act persisted and I began to realize that these people did not know who I was at all. I began to realize, the friends I made in class- where my act did not persist- would be appalled by the person I was when I was out of class.

So here is my confession to my "friends":
-I am not a whore. I make a lot of sex jokes because I want people to laugh and like me. It has come to a point where my mind has become perversion enough that it will take a while until I can return to the witty humor that I once had. But I am going to try.
-I am actually pretty smart. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but I'm quick. I can pick things up faster than most people and I have only pretended to be dumber because my high school social life demanded I knock a few IQ points off. Because I have pretended, I have found people believe my idiocy to be true. I have a great memory and am great with logic. (I mean hell, I'm in college with a 3.8. There has to be something between my ears.) When people belittle my knowledge, it frustrates me because I know the actuality of what they are trying to explain to me. I am tired of being talked down to, so I am returning to who I was.
-I am not as loud as I have pretended. I have spent so many years with my voice being silenced that any opportunity to speak out, I take. When people talk over me, when people cut me off, when people tell me I'm wrong, it frustrates me. So sometimes I talk just to have my voice heard. I have spent far too long trying to say something brilliant and having people disrespect what I am trying to say. So I will write people notes because it feels like the only way I can say what I have to so that I may have my voice heard. Too often are my voice and opinion ignored. I am going to stop talking just to talk and only contribute when I have something important to add to the conversation.
-I do not dislike anyone for how they identify, their race, their religion, their gender, the color of their hair or anything. If I dislike someone, it is because I dislike their character. Far too often have people called me a racist, homophobic, etc. because I dislike someone. If you are not a good person, you are not a good person. I couldn't care less how you identify yourself, if you have bad character, I will not like you. I try to give everyone a fair chance but I suppose everyone deserves one more. But only one more.
-I was raised that every action one makes is an example of the respect you show others. I am not a neat-freak because I am OCD, I was taught that being untidy was disrespectful. I am not loud, not because I don't like loud things, but because I was taught being obnoxiously loud is disrespectful. I offer what I have, not because I think what I have is better, but because I am trying to respect and make others' lives better and more convenient. I will go out of my way for a person because for me, this shows you respect them. I will make it more clear that I am trying to respect others so that it does not come off as being a "stuck-up, rich-girl bitch."

Because none of my current friends realize this about me, I fear I have no one left who knows who I am. Suffice it to say, I am having an identity crisis. I have spent so long pretending to be something I am not, because my teenage years forced me to make friends in an unwelcoming environment, that I have lost everything about me that has made me "me." And now everyone hates me. And I have no idea how to return to who I once was.

My final confession is that I will no longer try to be who you all thought I was. I will no longer be trying to be that girl who was a sarcastic, crass, unfeeling bitch but instead will try to return to that quiet, shy, brilliant minded, witty and kind girl that I used to be. Good people liked that girl. I never had to pretend for anyone of good character. So while my "friends" are off thinking I'm some sex-craving, loud, self-centered monster, I will be working once and for all to defeat my depression. I am going to turn my life around, find friends who appreciate me for me and pull me head out of the sand. My bitchy self is being dragged out to the dumpster tonight. I am returning to myself, I am returning to Juliana.

This is "Jules", signing off.