Everyone thinks I'm strong or tough, and to a degree, they're right. I do a very good job of pretending that nothing can hurt me because sometimes I pretend that if others believe that I'm strong, maybe somehow it will become true. I hate being as fragile as I am and it seems every time I can muster the littlest bit of resilience, something comes along to shatter it.
The drawback to pretending to be strong when I'm not, is that people think I can take more. I don't know how to dispel this notion because it seems obvious. If you pretend nothing can hurt you, people are going to take their frustrations out on you instead of someone who is weaker. (This is the real world. We can't pretend that no one takes their issues out on other people.) So I get stuck with everyone lashing out at me and can't say anything about it.
Another drawback is when I try to speak out that I'm struggling--no one believes me. They think I'm exaggerating my situation or trying to guilt them into doing something. I'm just asking for help. I don't admit that I need it often because I hate feeling weak but even when I do, people deny or dismiss it. "Don't exaggerate, you don't have it that bad," they say, "Or you're just trying to guilt me again." So I put up the walls again and pretend to be strong because no one wants to support me. No one cares that their actions affect me and no one offers me a hand when I'm sinking.
I'm tired of taking low blows from friends and family. I'm tired of having friends and family turn their back. I'm tired of not knowing who I can trust not to take advantage of me when I'm weak. I'm tired of feeling like I need to just run and start over somewhere because it's as if everyone in my life is only piling on more pain that I need to get over. Just when I think I'm over one thing, two more pop up. And then someone reminds me why I had such trouble getting over the first thing to begin with and I'm back struggling with that. I'm exhausted (and don't even get me started on barely having slept in a month).
They say to never let a relationship be the only thing that defines you. But that's what I need right now. Romantic or not, I need someone I can trust, someone who will support me, someone that won't push me back down, someone who will help me get ahead of this ever downward spiral. And no, going to therapy is not the same thing. And while long distances relationships can be okay, again, it's not working. I'd turn to my family, if it weren't just as shattered and broken as I am. I've been on my own at this for nearly eight years now, it's getting old and I can't do it alone.
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