Fight or Flight

This ignoring thing I could do but when I stepped on the shuttle and smelled some stranger was wearing his cologne, it was all I could do not to burst into tears. It's stupid things that remind me of the good times and then I am forced to remember the awful reasons as to why we are where we are today. I loathe who he has become but I can't deny how I felt for who he was. I want who he was back but I know there is no way to undo everything that has happened and how it has changed us.

I know I pretend I haven't changed. I try to pretend that I'm still stubborn but strong. But I know I'm breaking and far more fragile than I was before any of this. He tried to get me to change. He tried to get me to stop running from my problems. I have run my entire life and it has left me exceedingly lonely. So I tried to listen to him and I fought for what I thought we had, but instead he proved to me his hypocrisy by how willing he was to run at the first sign of trouble. I understand now that running doesn't save you, it masks the problems and it hurts whomever you're running from.  Sometimes the damage is irreversible. Sometimes that damage cuts more deeply than you could imagine. And sometimes the dust cloud you leave in your wake, chokes those you leave behind but you won't turn around to see them fall helplessly to the ground. And you'll never know if someone ever comes and helps them back up. But if you run from your problems, you don't deserve that piece of mind. You don't deserve to know whether the ones that you love are either being cared for or left for dead. You didn't fight for them.

I understand now that running is selfish because in "saving" yourself, you're hurting others behind you. So maybe I have changed. Maybe he did get through to me even though his hypocrisy says he won't learn the same lesson. I can't run anymore. Not in good conscience anyway. But I'm done fighting for him. He has done nothing to deserve this effort. I hope he enjoys his guilt and the false pretense he has set before him. I hope he enjoys the "easy" way out. The road to hell is short and straight. The road to heaven is arduous, but the spoils are worth the fight.

~E J Royson