I Didn't Want to Love You

I knew this was inevitable but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I just wished I would have had more time with him before he realized I wasn't worth his time, his effort or his heart. I'll never get that time with him, I'll never see that effort and I'll never have a part of his heart. And I have to be okay with that no matter how much I don't want to be.

He promised that even though he can't follow through that he still felt something. I don't know how much I believe that even though the evidence is in his favor. He would tell me how he was going to take me out, buy me dinner, go to the movies... things we never did. And never will. He would know when I needed a hug and would push past my stubbornness to embrace me the way I loved. I could calm him down in anger and he would comfort me in my insecurity. Those little things made the difference. I didn't want to love him and I knew if I got too close I would. But how was I to resist that sweet spot between his chest and shoulder where I could rest my head? How was I to resist the way he would lightly trail his fingers across my shoulder blades, the way I like best? How was I to resist his safe arms and warm touch? How was I to keep my distance enough so that I wouldn't fall in love with him? I tried. But quite obviously I failed.

Now he is walking away and I know that I should keep him at a distance but I know if he somehow mustered a change of heart and walked into my apartment, embraced me and asked for another shot, I would take him back no matter how much I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't go back to someone who didn't appreciate what they had. I shouldn't go back to someone who has said and done such cruel things in our parting. I shouldn't, but I got too close and I now know about all those little things that he did that made me love him in the first place. All those precious things are still fresh in my mind yet at the same time all those cruel things are still fresh in my mind. I lay in bed and can almost imagine how he would be holding me, how his fingers would trail up and down my side and then I remember I will never have that again. Then there is nothing to keep me from crying. When I'm lonely, he is still the one I think about and he is still the one I want by my side cheering me up.

I'm trying to forget it ever happened but I don't handle rejection very well. And he didn't handle rejecting me very well and made it hurt so much more than it needed to. Now he thinks everything I do or say is an act of malicious intent or venomous attack and doesn't see my bite as a reaction from how much I sting from his words. He doesn't see how me talking or being around him is me trying to treat him like I would if we were friends. I'm still hurting like hell so it's not going to be okay overnight. I'm trying but having everything I do being turned into a fight and leaving me more hurt isn't helping. I still love him but I'm losing faith that we can try to remain friends as he has requested because it sure doesn't feel like he is trying and he keeps hurting me every time he says he wants the fighting to be over.

I'll never understand why he left me to begin with. I feel like a piece of trash on the side of the road-- used and tossed out a car window. And because he can't articulate why he left, I'm left to continue feeling that way. I'm starting to think it's better just to cut him out of my life for good. If only he weren't trying to date my friend.

E J Royson