Early Morning Caffeine

In the early morning, long awake I've been,

Resuming to tear the words from beneath my skin.

Nothing new emerges but the pain subsides,

The hope and despair begin to momentarily divide.

But it's never enough to wash him away,

Lingering confusion, unsure to go or to stay.

Once the words are free to the ink, the gap closes,

Despair and hope collide, but despair imposes.

If what he said was true, then which do I believe?

The words he used to hurt me, or those used to relieve?

No analogy to knives could be made to what he said,

A knife wound could heal, but he tore open my head.
He let in all the evil I'd worked so hard to suppress,

Abandonment, trust, betrayal, all my weak points, I confessed.

He unleashed my demons and still claimed innocence,

But why unleash such horrors, even out of ignorance?
I was exploited, in the end, it was all he desired.

Like a fool, I let him in and gave him all he required.
But he swears this isn't true, just I lie I created,

Still the nagging persists, insisting I was baited.

Yet to amend, he explained he knows his guilt,

After tearing my words apart, the story he rebuilt.
He knew it was wrong, but he proceeded anyway,
I was just mistaken solace, but he enjoyed the display.

He swears he did nothing to persuade the friends I lost,
He promised he said little, that he understood the cost.
Since he confessed his wrongs, he said we were both to blame,
I suppose, then, it's my fault that I fell victim to his game.
There was no way for me to escape it, less jump to my grave,

I took the lesser of two evils for at least myself to save.

If I'm guilty of being selfish, and wanting to save my skin,
Then by all means string me up, I'll right away confess my sin.

Alone, I tried to cling to what little he left to remain,
But in doing so, he claims I hurt him, that I left him in pain.
Well I just didn't let him win, I didn't leap to my demise,

I guess it's not what he wanted, a glimmer of hope despite his lies.

But he tied up loose ends, and ensured I was left alone,

Quite what I did to deserve all this, I suppose will remain unknown.

But he tore my soul apart, left nothing for me to bear,
So every night I lie awake, convulsing in this despair.

~E J Royson