Percussive Silence

Like your instrument of choice,
you beat me until I tore.
You used me for your entertainment,
now this drum will beat no more.

Promising I had made good music,
you took me to the curb.
Evidently not good enough to mend
so that my music could be heard.

The hole your beatings tore into me
could have been easily mended.
Instead, you let me sit on the curb alone,
warding off those who had intentions.

You let them take me away with the trash,
so I guess my sound just wasn't right.
But with minor tweaking around the edges,
I could have played through the night.

But like your instrument of choice,
you took your anger out on me,
never caring how I might feel,
or all of the potential I had to be.

Since now I am worthless to you
and you lied and chased off others
I sit in this wasteland of brokenness
ever without hope to recover.

E J Royson

My Dad Was Giving Me Advice on Boys...

And then,

It suddenly clicked.

That boy had sought after me so long,

 there was no way he was letting go so easily. 

Purposely going out of his way to befriend my friends,

 and even go so far as to date them, 

was his way of ensuring he still kept me hanging on. 

And now I'm laughing, 

because there is no way in hell I will ever let him in again. 

Neither friend nor lover, that ship has sailed.

He is welcome to act in desperation on the shore

 but turning around would only make me repeat my mistakes.

And that is something I just don't do.

I hope he is happy.

He made the decision to treat me like shit on the bottom of his shoe and step on me all the time.

He made the decision not to try to resolve our problems but rather ignore them and me.

He made the decision to walk away and not fight for neither relationship nor friendship.

He made the decision never to pick up the phone and try to communicate with me.

He made the decision to turn my good friends against me with lies.

He made all of the decisions when it came to us.

The fault belongs to him; it is not mine,

And I hope the guilt eats him alive.

~E J Royson

PS-- Do you like how I made it look kinda like a ship sailing away from the screen? Hehe

S is for Secret?

I saw him first as I walked across the room. It took a moment for him to register that I was walking in his direction. He was waiting in line for something; I didn't know what. He smiled at me, and my heart skipped a beat. I banished the first thought that came to my head and replaced it with "No, it's wrong. He is in a relationship." But the way he smiled at me...

Mischief bounced through the blue in his eyes as he looked up from under his hair. It was a secret smile, meant for only me to see. It was as if we were hiding something, but was there something to hide? I could never tell with him. Sometimes it seemed like nothing, but the sometimes it seemed like something. Maybe I just wanted it to be something, but I would never do anything to jeopardize the awkwardly lovely could-be relationship we have now.

I smiled back, and turned to walk up the stairs to the dining hall, following my friends. I wanted to look back, but I didn't. I should have, but it perhaps would have told him too much, and after everything that had happened, a large part of me wanted to keep everyone an arm's length away. Only a small part of me wished to have someone to care for again. It was the one very small part not left broken or bruised by the one who came before. Sure, he spared my body physical pain, but the war he waged against my mind, my heart, and my soul was so greatly destructive to me as a moral being.

Cynicism riddles my tongue and spite my mind in a never ending spiral of hopelessness and despair. But his smile... It was the one thing that could silence it all. He didn't know the extent of the damage hidden behind a powdery coating of smiles and facades. I knew he wouldn't think twice if he knew the full extent of my bitterness. So I try to bite my tongue and wear the smile I know he would want me to wear. I will see him tomorrow, and I will smile. Maybe I will look back at him... maybe.

~E J Royson

National Sibling Day

I don't know who decided to make today a holiday. Why do we need a day to show our siblings we appreciate them? Oh, right, because every other day out the year we treat them like crap. Today is just a day where siblings post family pictures on Facebook and pretend that they like each other. Tomorrow they will return to screaming, bickering and bad mouthing each other behind backs.

I can't count high enough the amount of times I have heard someone say they hate their siblings. I have been living without mine for five years because they won't have me. I would be grateful for one hour with my brother and sister. I would give anything to see them again. We shouldn't need a damn holiday to appreciate our family, but it seems in our culture, we need excuses to appreciate what we have.

Someone once asked me what I think our civilization will stand for. I think we stand for nothing. We don't even stand for our families except on holidays, which we use as an excuse. We are a civilization of excuses. And that sickens me. We only appreciate what we have when it's gone. We only appreciate things we covet and once we have them, they mean nothing.

What kind of world are we bringing our children into by teaching them not to appreciate what they have? Especially when it comes to family. I will hate to see what will become of family and the value of family in the future. If we need a holiday in order to value our siblings, I pity the future generations who won't know what it means to have a family, or to be loyal, or to be appreciative. I pity the historians who will look upon our civilization with disdain. I pity the siblings who need a holiday to feel as if they have a bond with their kin. Above all, I pity myself for once falling victim to not appreciating my siblings, but when the day comes that they will have me back, I will never under appreciate them again.

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

She stood for the weaker ones when they cried out.
She took them in her arms and removed their doubt.

Her back to the storm would save those she knew,
taking their beatings until she was beaten black and blue.
With lesions and scars embellishing her skin,
she is constantly reminded of where she has been.

Those she has protected are now doing fine,
but now she is hurting and they leave her behind.
It's never enough that she was always there,
and would go miles out of her way to show how she cared.

One said he was going insane and she took to the road
Six hours later, she was there lightening his load.
Now he sides against her, forgets her existence,
and won't come to her aid upon her asking for assistance.

Another friend, broken-hearted, needed to laugh
but once she healed his pain, he broke her in half.
He chased after those she loved and convinced them her evil
Now with no one to turn to, her life is in upheaval.

One couldn't take the pressure of school and love,
so she held her friend's hand and was neglected of.
When a fight came and then a side had to be picked,
It ended in hate and from her apartment she was kicked.

One friend, being sexually harassed, couldn't be rid of a guy
so she stood up for her friend but was turned a blind eye
Being shrieked at and hated for things out of her control,
her friend abandoned her and shattered her soul.

Over and over she protected those she cared for,
and over and over it all ended at a closed door.
Now bleeding and shattered, no self respect or worth,
no one stands to protect her, she's no one to call forth.

Still holding the weak ones so they are not pain's prisoner
She is hesitant to care for everyone else betrayed her.
Tired of standing for the weaker ones when they cry out
for when they regain strength, it is always her they discount.

She says over again to herself to just hold on one more day
but with everyone else's pain added to her own, she is fading away.

~E J Royson