Today, I conquered one of my biggest fears: spending a large amount of time in public, alone.
Now, I don't mean something like spending an hour in the grocery store, or doing ordinary tasks like that. I mean spending leisurely time, in a crowded, public place visibly alone, relaxing, and enjoying the company of one's self.
I think our society often undervalues the importance of being in our own company. I think society is so built on receiving approval from others, that we don't accept the approval of ourselves. Approving of myself is half the reason I struggle with depression in the first place. Growing up, it seemed I was never good enough, always the disappointment of the family. And even still, in comparison to my siblings, I only scraped by with my grades, struggle with my weight, spend my free time playing video games instead of building homes for habitat for humanity, or hiking through the mountains, will struggle to find a job after graduation, and never receive that gleam of approval in my parents' eyes. Anyone see what's wrong with what I just said?
I compared myself to the others in my life, and based my own happiness on the approval of my parents. While, of course, it is nice to have your parents approve of your choices, it shouldn't be the foundation on what you build your happiness upon. I know, that because of who I am and how I was raised, I will always have a chip on my shoulder and an "I'll show them" attitude, but part of what I am trying to base my recovery on is ensuring that what I do, I do because it makes me happy.
That's what my two day trip to Wildwood was about. I have spent so much of my life afraid of what others might think of me if I do something, or act in a certain way. It seems in our culture, anyone who spends their leisure time alone must either have an abrasive personality, or hate people. Sure, I'm introverted, but I've spent the better part of my working years in some form of customer service. I have my moments, but I'm not an asshole at heart. And valuing alone time doesn't mean I hate being around others, it means that I like to hear what my mind has to say every once in a while. So, to be one step closer to self approval, I went to the beach by myself. I sat in a chair by myself. I read my book by myself. I ignored the looks from the large group of friends next to me, when I revealed my curvy self in a bathing suit and laid on my towel in the sun, by myself. And you know what I decided while spending some quality time with myself?
That if I have to spend the better part of my life alone, I'll be okay. I like reading, I like laying on my back, using sand as a pillow, I like how warm sand feels between my toes, I like how when you are laying down, the white foam of the waves could be a tiny army of white horses racing to the sand, only to be shot down as they near the shore. There was a time when sitting on the beach was an inspiration to me, when all of my great ideas for novels would come to me. And today, for the first time in a long time, that came back to me.
I have spent such a long time keeping myself busy, surrounding myself with people I didn't particular like, just so that I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts, so that I wouldn't have to think about how sad the rest of my life will be, since I will inevitably be spending it alone. I invested so much of my time into other people, that I forgot what it was like to be invested in myself. I forgot what it was like to be inspired by my own imagination so much so that I can build an entire universe out of a few moments of my own experiences. I have spent so much time, afraid of my own mind, that I neglected the best parts of it.
I might not be as successful as my sister, nor as intelligent as my brother, but I doubt either of them can take a few seconds of their life and transform that brief experience into a fictional universe. I can't let what they excel at take away from my own achievements. And I can't hate myself just because I don't measure up the same way someone wants me to. Sure, my mom can go to her grave swearing I would have made more money as a physical therapist, but my life will be more fulfilled doing what makes me happy, writing, and maybe someday my writing will even help others in a different, but just as important way as physical therapy could have helped them.
So, my advice? Go somewhere by yourself. It can be a coffee shop. Take yourself on a date. Sure, it's a scary thought. Everyone is either going to give you weird looks or pity you. Let them. You are there to spend some time with your own mind. You might be surprised what it has to say to you.
~E J Royson
